Porthemmet Beach
Completely fictitious beach located on the Mediterranean coast of Cornwall!
"Situated in north Cornwall, Porthemmet is the largest beach in the county. Due to an influx from the Gulf Stream, Porthemmet has very warm waters and looks more like a tropical paradise than a beach in the UK"
The name is derived from the Cornish words porth and emmet and translates as porth of the emmet!
For more info head to the Porthemmet Beach official website
Type of beach
Sandy
Lifeguard service
The original cast of Bay Watch still work here!
Dogs friendly beach?
Dogs allowed (but only nice ones)
OS grid ref.
SW 7452 6205
Facilities
Nanny Ogg's Pasty Shop serves a mean pasty and rumor has it Rick Stein and Jamie Oliver are opening a beach cafe here
Porthemmet Beach Reviews
Inbred Northerners
Cornwall Anti Tourism Department
Jun 22nd 2022Please stay away,you poorly educated northern monkeys just wander from Wetherspoons to Burger king then back to Junction for more fags and tinnies,that’s what you cretins do at home. There’s no need to pollute Cornwall .Head to benidorm where drunken sunburned morons are welcome.
Get here early
Barry Trevaskis
Jun 22nd 2022Avoid the only bar on the beach, it’s the collection of sheds and skips in the middle run by an grumpy fat bloke. Bring your own picnics and enjoy the rest of this stunning beach like us locals. You’ll experience a true Cornish paradise.
Sense of Humour Bypass
Pardrifter
May 15th 2022Some really bitter comments on here from folk who don’t get the joke. FYI also tourism is not the main source of income in Cornwall, that would be fishing and farming, thousands of people in Cornwall have no connection to tourism.
Terrible beach
Dog poop everywhere. People drinking and smoking. Litter at every turn. This beach has been neglected as its used by locals.
Yes, very funny Jonty Haywood - Not
May 06th 20221. emmet = ant - derogatory term for a ‘tourist’ (see > wikipedia.org/wiki/Emmet_(Cornish).
2. grockle = little clown - derogatory term for a ‘holidaymaker’ (see > wiktionary.org/wiki/grockle).
3. tourists put food on your plate & in your ‘entitled’ stomach - if it wasn’t for us ‘ants’ & ‘little clowns’, you’d all be on bread & water - and wistfully hoping that tourists would one day come, to give you jobs & income.
Ok for Curdles (my insulting name for Cornish folk!)
Joe Northern
Nov 05th 2021You lot stay down there, us northerners will stay up here & spend our money locally. You think you’re so smart taking the piss, your only form of income is from tourism. I would love to see how you inbreds cope if “normal people” stayed away!
Gidget
Oct 04th 2021Best beach bar none. Always sunny and warm, never rains and the welcome is to die for, as is the surf. Never any wind either. Very easy to find, the directions and maps are great. Love the fact that nudists are welcome, so educational for the children.
Do not miss this beach!
Gurt lush!
Jethro Tool
Mar 05th 2021So luvvy that I wrote a song about it!
https://themangledwurzels.bandcamp.com/track/porthemmet
Great fishing
tim newcombe
Jan 21st 2021Have had some of the best catches here from Cod, Turbot and Tope.
Fish low tide in use blow lug
Amazing beach
Perfect for visitors, free Kelly’s ice cream all day, great for kids and dogs
Simply the best
I’ve never heard anyone complaining about litter on the beach.
Nudist Paradise
Walter Wall
Aug 27th 2020Best nudist beach in the country with miles of golden sand
Optical delusion.
Janner
Aug 27th 2020Yous buggers ave been tellin fibs. It’s not real is it?